Better Hoes & Gardens

HOW TO DO HEAPS GOOD HOME TATTOOSSome people may say home...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 01:30:47 -0500

HOW TO DO HEAPS GOOD HOME TATTOOS
Some people may say home tattoos are a bad idea, but those people are just Doctors or real adults. Real tattoo parlours are pretty stressful if you want to get like “I love butts” tattooed on your own butt, as they would be like “Sure ok” and then tattoo “I love butts” on your butt in full cursive. Why not make mistakes where they belong, at home.

STEP ONE: BUY STUFF/LEARN
If you search Tattoo Machine on eBay there are plenty available, however I would be advise to avoid the “Kits” as generally the equipment is of lower quality. One of the best ways to learn to tattoo at home seems to be first learn about the equipment and how it works and have the ability to put the machine together itself. This learning/assembling stage probably took five or six months as I am a slow learner.

STEP TWO: PRACTICE
You can purchase practise tattoo “skins” on eBay quite cheaply and they are essential in building confidence. They also feel like android skin which is super rad and If it is a hot day put it on your face and it is cooling. Practice on these as much as you can. The biggest tip I can give you is to breathe out as you do a line (the opposite of drugs). I would start with doing small symbols and shapes and working your way up to letters, the straighter and cleaner you can make the lines the better the real tattoos will be.

STEP THREE: CONVINCE SOMEONE TO LET YOU TATTOO THEM
It’s pretty much terrifying/impossible to do your first tattoo on yourself so you will need to convince someone to let you put a small picture on them for the rest of their life . Remember to start small and simple. You will probably both need to be pretty drunk (but not TOO drunk). The most important thing to remember is hygiene, use rubber gloves and alcohol wipes (or paper towel with vodka?) and have lots of Bepanthen on hand for afterwards (also this makes you smell like a baby and babies are pretty cool). As you start doing it a kind of ancient “if I fuck up this person will kill me” instinct will come in to prevent you from fucking up, hopefully. Do small, slow segments of the line and keep wiping with alcohol to keep the area clear. Make sure you start from the top of the tattoo and work your way down as not to disturb the work you have done. Deep breaths!

STEP FOUR: DONE!
Clean the tattoo area and put some Bepanthen and cling wrap over the area to prevent initial infection. Dispose of the needle in a safe way (I use a pringles container). Now you and your pal are pretty cool! You can be like hey I did this thing to everyone and the person you did it on is now 5% tougher.

Cultural Appropriation

Fri, 03 Aug 2012 05:16:44 -0400

jshdivision:

STOP BINDI IRWIN NOW

Good emails from my good boyfriend.

Tue, 31 Jul 2012 09:42:54 -0400

Good emails from my good boyfriend.

HOW TO STOP BEING A HOARDER Josh: As someone who has moved...

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 05:54:00 -0400

HOW TO STOP BEING A HOARDER

Josh: As someone who has moved (sometimes interstate) at least ten times in the last five years and does not have a place to store things I have been forced to “travel light” and not keep things like 5th birthday cards and high school textbooks. Obviously this is both a positive and a negative, moving house is fairly quick but I lack nice things to look at and remember. Also I am pretty lazy and forgetful . However Julia has been amassing seemingly every note handed to her in class throughout her entire education and cards dating back to her conception (not at all an exaggeration) in her father’s spare room. With her father moving overseas and us moving to a one bedroom apartment action had to be taken.

Julia: Woops? Is there something wrong with me? Am I the only person who values greeting cards anymore? What are all you “light travellers” going to do when you forget who gave you Christmas cards in 2009? Who did you sit next to in further mathematics in 2007? Don’t know? I DO! Because I kept all of my high school planners. I don’t know how to convey how neurotic my hoarding is - I have a collection of matchbooks from pretty much every restaurant/hotel/bar I have been to anywhere in the world. I have cards that people I don’t even know wrote to congratulate my parents on having a baby. Alas, I am moving on up and moving on out, it’s time to break free and throw all this useless shit away. I literally had 3 gigantic boxes of paperwork, cards, notes that people wrote me in high school, clippings of wrapping paper I liked etc. With the help of Joshua “ruthless” Oxlee I managed to turn this into a couple of manilla folders worth of genuinely important paperwork that real grown ups need and a small pile of other shit I couldn’t bare to part with. HERE IS HOW:

1. Start by creating different piles, or if you have a LOT of stuff, boxes. One pile should be for things you really need to keep such as tax information or birth certificates because one time I tried to get a new copy of my birth certificate and it turns out you need a birth certificate to get one. Another pile should for things you really want to keep such as mix cds and drawings of butts. The other is a bin pile.

2. After you have sorted everything into piles set the important stuff aside in a nice file or something (this isn’t a blog about productivity so if you stuff your documents in a garbage bag and tape it to the wall we don’t care).

3. Then go through the other keep pile again and make sure you really want to keep that drawing of a butt you did when you were 10 and if you don’t then just put in the trash pile. (It is okay to keep some butt drawings or cool drawings of penises with walking canes that your straight edge friend drew you in international studies class)

4. Think about what you would like to do with your display pile i.e are you gonna stick all the stuff on the wall or put in a draw and then do that thing you just thought of.

5. It’s pretty handy to have someone who can nod or shake their heads at the things you are looking through like you are in a montage. (Play some good montage music like Earth Wind & Fire maybe). I feel that doing this whole thing alone would be pretty harrowing and end up like that scene in A Beautiful Mind where Russell Crowe is in like a shed and the walls are covered in bits of paper he kept because they made a mathematical pattern that movie was pretty sad.

6. If you are going through piles of photos, notes and junk with someone else, turn it into a fake episode of “This is Your Life”. It makes you feel very special and important and somehow that makes it easier to throw unnecessary stuff away. (I’d say it might be because if you are a weirdo hoarder like me you probably felt like a wallflower and need to remind yourself that people acknowledged your existence ~COOL FEELINGS~)

7. For things like clothes the whole “Have I used this in the past 18 months” trick works pretty well and also you get to try the clothes on and be like HAHA I WAS A DORK. Don’t underestimate what clothing people will buy on Ebay but also don’t underestimate how HARD it is to go to the post office and post things that you sell on Ebay.

Wow now you have less stuff and just had your time in the spotlight as your de-hoarding buddy just saw cool pictures of you as a teenage rebel! Go for a run or something because now you are so much lighter!

How to become very powerful and psychic Nowadays we are quite...

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 08:33:24 -0400

How to become very powerful and psychic

Nowadays we are quite psychic and cosmically powerful people, but it hasn’t always been this way. As we walk past flowers they turn to face us,hoping to bask in our glowing wisdom, if only for a passing moment.The economy no longer has any control over our lives and once Rupert Murdoch caught sight of Julia and instantly aged three years.. To become one with both nature and the universe as a whole you must first believe in your own “power”. Here is a simple exercise: draw a picture of a tree, next to this tree draw yourself hovering 1-2 meters from the ground. Place this image in a tea pot and throw this teapot at a wall. Stomp on the broken china whilst listening to “Like a Virgin” by “Madonna”, snort the remains.

A second simple exercise: see how far you can insert your finger into your navel, eventually you will start to feel your own beginning, and perhaps, your own end. Tasting the dust built up here is not discouraged, but nor is it encouraged. A simple way to build up your psychic penetration techniques is to stare into the eyes of strangers on public transport, this will make them feel at peace as well.

Talk to all animals as if they are people, also try and dress animals as people whenever possible, animals are generally quite embarrassed that they are naked. The respect you gain from animals will increase your ability to see inside the minds and souls of humans. This inner power is what allows birds to fly and cats to vomit in such a weird way.

Construct a giant pyramid out of your neighbours rubbish and sleep under it in your backyard, the power of pyramids combined with the memories contained in this trash will infuse you with more psychic energy than five years of meditation.

Fun things to look for once you can see within the minds of others: favourite ice cream flavours, least favourite type of hat, hand size preference, do they think there should be less cupcake stores around and knowledge of bird anatomy.

imgur / Pkoxd / jpg

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 03:16:00 -0400

We sent this to our IT department who decoded your message. We would like to include the following message: Yes. For the Layman it is this

HOW TO GO TO IKEA AND NOT HAVE A MASSIVE FIGHT AND MURDER...

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 06:00:14 -0400

HOW TO GO TO IKEA AND NOT HAVE A MASSIVE FIGHT AND MURDER PEOPLE
Ikea is a wonderland of cheaply made furniture and hate. Ikea hates you and wants you and anything you love to fail. Ikea is hanging around the alley behind the back of your house just waiting for you to walk by so it can beat you up with a metal pipe made of frustration and and tiny allen keys. With a few simple tricks you can take what can be an ordeal and turn it into a fun experience or even just less of an ordeal.

- The first mistake people make is thinking it’s possible to do a “quick trip” to Ikea. Wrong! Not possible. You need to set aside at least two and half hours to get in and out. There is always some macho jerk with his partner who is like “OK WE’RE JUST GOING IN FOR THIS ONE THING” and you can tell they are going to have a massive fight before they even get to the meatballs.

- Try and count the amount of people sleeping throughout the showroom. If you find more than five reward yourself with an item from the children’s section.
- Make a list of what you want but also don’t be a list dickhead and not buy something just because it’s not on the list, you really need to be FLEXIBLE but FOCUSED.
-Every time you pick up an item that is not on your essentials list, ask yourself: “What am I going to use this for?” If you can’t think of an answer don’t buy the item
- If people stop right in the middle of the walkway in a group and you want to punch them in the head don’t punch them in the head because then you would have to go to JAIL.
- Know the line between cheap and awful. For example there is a set of cutlery that looks like it is sold to prisons and for like $2 more there is a fairly decent set.
- You can ride the trolleys you put the boxes on and it’s pretty fun and old ladies give you dirty looks so you totally feel like Dennis The Menace
- If you have ever gotten really drunk and gone to Ikea please let us know what it is like because it seems like it would be a bad idea and you would end up sleeping on one of the beds but who knows??
- After you have checked out and are in the car loading area notice that they play really good disco music so you can dance and climb on top of boxes like they are a podium to release stress.

what kind of garden says "i am not old" and "has other hobbies" but still looks technically impressive

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 04:53:48 -0400

The vegetable kind! You can never really accuse someone of being obsessive over their garden in a negative way if it produces something they can eat. That is my theory. Plus any garden that yields fruit, herbs, vegetables etc. is technically impressive in its own right. If you want to get really fancy you can try things like companion planting to improve the longevity of plants and as a natural form of pest control. Probably don’t buy things like “bulbs” and steer clear of petunias.

I feel that perhaps I expect too much of girls and project my own flaws onto them whilst slowly grinding them down until they can no longer stand me being around. Halp me

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 10:05:00 -0400

This sounds like a problem that is going to require some conscious effort. Clearly you’ve got some level of awareness of what’s going on, which is GREAT, it means you’ve noticed this pattern and it will be much easier to try and curb the habit. It sounds like the first thing you need to do is love yourself. Physically. Metaphysically. Emotionally. Secondly you need to realise that everyone you meet will have flaws and part of caring about someone is accepting this. These are quite difficult things to do and will not happen overnight. (except Julia, she has no flaws. She is perfect and beautiful like an angel.) [Yep, relationships between two perfect people are pretty easy]

HOME ON A SATURDAY NIGHT? ADVICE LINE NOW OPEN.

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 04:48:09 -0400

HOME ON A SATURDAY NIGHT? ADVICE LINE NOW OPEN.

how do i meet more babes

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 04:39:00 -0400

I hope this doesn’t sound dumb BUT; whenever I have met major babes in my life it seems to be when I am least expecting it. I think often when you are working on yourself as a person and doing all the stuff you want to do and feeling happy with yourself it makes you more of a babe magnet. Also don’t let anyone tell you that you’re being vain if you want to get glammed up everyday all the time even if you’re just going to work/uni/the toilet etc.

how do you let a lady know you want to hold her hand? give me the pro-tips

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 04:34:26 -0400

Josh: Just try and hold her hand and if she pulls her hand away then she probably doesn’t want to hold your hand at all.

Julia: Sing “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” in the voice of the guy from Jebediah.

I sometimes wonder that I have made... Mistakes.

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 04:34:00 -0400

Everyone makes mistakes Nick, this is life 101. We recommend you view the television program “Arthur”. This program is about an adventurous young aardvark who often makes a mistake or two! For more information on mistakes just consult a book on history. Did you know even Kirk Hammett from Metallica makes mistakes? We couldn’t believe it either but we asked him and he said he does!

what is the meaning of wife???

Thu, 31 May 2012 07:23:04 -0400

According to old men I have spoken to a wife is defined as “One with selective hearing”. To me a wife is someone who you love and compliments your lifestyle and personality. So somewhere between those two perhaps. Here is a good tip, don’t marry someone you just met online because they are trying to steal your organs.

SPECIAL REPORT: PARANORMAL ACTIVITIES FROM OUR LIVESScience....

Thu, 31 May 2012 06:42:00 -0400

SPECIAL REPORT: PARANORMAL ACTIVITIES FROM OUR LIVES

Science. Reality. Museums. These are all words that come to mind when thinking about the paranormal. “But how was the paranormal touched your life?” people often ask us as we walk down the street (possibly
due to our freakishly nice skin and hair which I can only attribute to twelve hours of sleep a night). Here are our stories.

Julia: So this one time, Josh and I were in a feverishly hot bath, we were also watching a highly dramatic episode of Law and Order (Special Victims Unit) and drinking beer. Prior to getting in the bath I hung all of my clothing over the towel rail. Are you getting this? I am in a bath. We are in a bath. The bathroom is closed, well the door is closed, so is the window, there is really NO draft. Instead of directing my attention toward the laptop I was staring into space daydreaming because I like it and it is good. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed that my bra strap had very briefly levitated into the air before quickly falling back into place slumped over the towel rack. I shouldn’t even say fall. It was like a controlled fall as though someone had placed it back down by hand, it didn’t swing around afterward like it would if it were blown by wind and nothing else on the towel rack moved. CR33PY. My only conclusion is that it was a fashion ghost who was all like “Oh Sass and Bide make bras now dayum dat is ugly.” Thanks mum for buying me overpriced t shirt bras that you wish you could wear yourself but you can’t cos yr breasts are too large. Tiny tits fighting back and making lifelong connections in the realm of paranormal afterlife attire.

Josh: Other creepy things that have happened in the same house included an old kind of rusted umbrella springing open for no reason, thinking I saw someone staring through our window for an hour at 3am and a shadow man just hanging out in the hallway having a great time.

My grandparents lived in a heaps old colonial house way out in the Victorian country. We would spend most easters there as it was pretty sick for easter egg hunting and there was a border collie named Storm. My grandmother would also buy a lot of chocolate milk so it was pluses all round. Anyway the second night we stayed there I got up to go to the bathroom and on my way I saw a white “smear” move down the hallway. Thinking I was a little over tired I went back to bed. The next morning my father had us quickly pack our bags because he saw an old woman move through the walls. On the road leading up to that property my grandfather picked up a hitchhiker (he was a taxi driver at the time) and a few minutes downt he 100km/h road the woman was GONE. Oh shiiiiiiiiit. That ghost sure knows the haunting classics!

BETTER HOES AND GARDENS FOOD TIPS PART ONE If you wake up late...

Wed, 30 May 2012 06:14:00 -0400

BETTER HOES AND GARDENS FOOD TIPS PART ONE

If you wake up late just combine Breakfast and Lunch to save money.
NEVER skimp on Baked Beans, Heinz Beanz are amazing and perfect and beautiful. (WE ARE NOT SPONSORED BY HEINZ yet)
Muesli bars are heaps useful in food emergencies, you can make your own but I wouldn’t bother. (That is because Josh loves refined sugar)
Don’t let anyone tell you that how you eat your porridge is wrong, porridge is just a big ol metaphor for life, different strokes for different folks.
If you never finish all of your food maybe buy a dog and give them your leftovers so you won’t feel bad and also you will have a dog.
If you are heaps craving say, broccoli, just go buy a broccoli head and eat it with your hands cause your body needs it. Also it makes people think you are very powerful because animals only eat raw food and how powerful is a horse? Very (cars are still measured in horses*).
Here is the best toasted sandwich recipe: Dark Rye, Avocado, Vine Ripened Tomato, Baby Spinach Leaves, Hommus, Lots of Black Pepper and A Cheese Slice (personal preference, although Vegan cheese certainly works well here).
Do not smell any Tofutti products raw. Particularly cheeses. Don’t. Don’t eat them raw and don’t smell them. Except the cream cheese. That is okay. Good for frosting
Recipes are pretty boring, if you want to be a super impressive powerful person just get the gist of what you want to do and make it up, this once again is how animals cook (another powerful animal is a manta ray).
Don’t be a bossy stroppy cow when someone is being nice and helping you in the kitchen by cutting up vegetables for you or something. Say thanks and then mince the garlic more finely when they’re not looking.
*this is not a car advice blog

*this is not a car advice blog

The latest issue of GOOP (Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle...

Sun, 27 May 2012 20:51:57 -0400

The latest issue of GOOP (Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle magazine whose target audience is Gwyneth Paltrow) starts with an article entitled “How to Do Your Own Hair”. At first I thought this was an issue for five year old orphans but no, it is aimed at adults. It opens with “Despite having a job where I am meant to be presentable in public, I am wholly unskilled in the arena of doing my hair and makeup.” Classic job requirement. Classic life problems people have daily. The article then has some pictures of a guy doing some stuff to a ladies hair WHICH DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF THE WHOLE THING. She is not doing her own hair at all. Lies Gwynyth, LIES. HOW ABOUT DON’T USE A MODEL WHOSE NAME IS “HELLA”. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Hella blow out. Jesus. Hella has some hella straight hair right der. Realistically though, I find it insulting that someone who probably doesn’t even flush her own toilet is telling me how to do my hair. A “do your own hair” tutorial using stills of a model having her hair done by a professional stylist, good idea! Super relatable to! I mean really, fuck right off Gwyneth, go back to your $200 Alexander Wang jogging singlets.

—————-

BETTER HOES AND GARDENS HAIR TIPS

Ponytails keep your hair out of the way and look sassy!
For that just out of bed look just get out of bed and don’t shower. Easy peasy!
Get your boyfriend/girlfriend/friend to help dye your hair and save upwards of $50 on hairdressers fees.
Either don’t use shampoo or use really good shampoo cause your hair oils will balance out well at least that’s what a guy said to me in year 9. (Plus you’ll have heaps of pheromones floating around and pheromones are sexy.)

jus doin some cool photography and gettin hair did and...

Sun, 20 May 2012 07:37:00 -0400

jus doin some cool photography and gettin hair did and considering a beef with GOOP.com

Your hosts + a couch

Sat, 19 May 2012 00:32:28 -0400

Your hosts + a couch

RESTAURANT BATTLES ROUND ONE: TOUCHE OMBRE vs. BON A MANGER

Fri, 18 May 2012 06:32:12 -0400

In Restaurant Battles we use our patent pending Battle System (tm) to find the best restaurant ever (that we can afford and is vegan friendly). Two restaurants enter, one leaves.

JOSH: This round features two very different establishments, one brash and loud, the other unassuming and calm. Touche Ombre is a new Mexican “Tapas” place near Tattersalls Lane. Upon entering you are greeted by headache inducingly loud music and staff wearing pants bracers which I found confusing on an aesthetic level. The decor is decidedly loud and mismatched, giant custom fluorescent lighting and faux graffiti line the walls. The atmosphere was extremely uninviting unless you hate the person you are dining with and would rather not talk to them and perhaps hate yourself a little bit and enjoy looking at the ugly artworks that adorn the walls. The food was perhaps not as pricey as similar establishments ($5-$8 an item) but had only two or three vegan options. We went for the mexican spiced corn and tofu tacos. The corn was small and a little tough. This was an interesting decision for Julia as she has braces, but she will do anything to get the scoop. The tofu in the taco was cooked quite well and topped with garden salad ingredients. The sweet avocado sauce was with no moderation in mind and overpowered the rest of the flavours. What did you think Julia?

JULIA: I don’t like it.

JOSH: Julia please elaborate.

JULIA:I would rather jam my dick in a door then go back there again it’s awful.

JOSH: WOW! Tough act to follow. Bon A Manger is a bright and busy cafe on Hardware Lane. It trades mostly in soups and packaged sandwiches. I tried both! The garden pea soup tasted like mashed up peas in a good way, the other soup we tried we can’t remember the name of but it was orange and lightly spiced. Both were great and came with an apple and slice of bread in a paper bag which is kind of nice. The sandwich tasted like my mum made it and put it in my lunch box which is a pro and a con. Julia called the guy who served us the soup prince which I found disappointing. Julia?

JULIA: I loved the garden pea soup that I got, it tasted better than mashed up peas and it was warm and filling without being creamy and gr0ss. I don’t like packaged sandwiches the concept is off so I didn’t buy one so who knows. The man that served us was extremely knowledgeable about the soups available and their ingredients and he even let me try the two dairy free ones to see which I preferred. The other soup had a long name which I now suspect was probably fabricated. The dude even put a little spoon, napkin, apple and a SQUARE OF CHOCOLATE in a brown paper bag for us. I gushed at the cuteness. Why would anyone do that if they weren’t a soup prince? Also Josh ate some kind of delicious looking tiny brownie cake thing that was cute and perfect sized and smelled like choc-vanilla fudge. Pretty much we got 2 soups, 2 apples, 2 squares of chocolate, a sandwich and a can of coke for like $20 or something as well so EASY ON THE HIP POCKET YA GET ME? (prty gud coffee also)

JOSH: Wow. To quote R Kelly “If you go to a soup shop you better ready to bring your full game”. Luckily I always bring all my game. Looks like this round goes to Bon A Manger. Congratulations Bon A Manger!

JULIA: (Not Pret-A-Manger)

JOSH: Ok.

Bonjour! See you next round!

LOVE FROM J&J xoxoxoxox