The latest issue of GOOP (Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle magazine whose target audience is Gwyneth Paltrow) starts with an article entitled “How to Do Your Own Hair”. At first I thought this was an issue for five year old orphans but no, it is aimed at adults. It opens with “Despite having a job where I am meant to be presentable in public, I am wholly unskilled in the arena of doing my hair and makeup.” Classic job requirement. Classic life problems people have daily. The article then has some pictures of a guy doing some stuff to a ladies hair WHICH DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF THE WHOLE THING. She is not doing her own hair at all. Lies Gwynyth, LIES. HOW ABOUT DON’T USE A MODEL WHOSE NAME IS “HELLA”. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Hella blow out. Jesus. Hella has some hella straight hair right der. Realistically though, I find it insulting that someone who probably doesn’t even flush her own toilet is telling me how to do my hair. A “do your own hair” tutorial using stills of a model having her hair done by a professional stylist, good idea! Super relatable to! I mean really, fuck right off Gwyneth, go back to your $200 Alexander Wang jogging singlets.

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BETTER HOES AND GARDENS HAIR TIPS

1. Ponytails keep your hair out of the way and look sassy!
2. For that just out of bed look just get out of bed and don’t shower. Easy peasy!
3. Get your boyfriend/girlfriend/friend to help dye your hair and save upwards of $50 on hairdressers fees.
4. Either don’t use shampoo or use really good shampoo cause your hair oils will balance out well at least that’s what a guy said to me in year 9. (Plus you’ll have heaps of pheromones floating around and pheromones are sexy.)