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A lifestyle magazine for people with no life.

BY JOSH & JULIA
HOW TO DO HEAPS GOOD HOME TATTOOSSome people may say home tattoos are a bad idea, but those people are just Doctors or real adults. Real tattoo parlours are pretty stressful if you want to get like “I love butts” tattooed on your own butt, as they would be like “Sure ok” and then tattoo “I love butts” on your butt in full cursive. Why not make mistakes where they belong, at home.STEP ONE: BUY STUFF/LEARNIf you search Tattoo Machine on eBay there are plenty available, however I would be advise to avoid the “Kits” as generally the equipment is of lower quality. One of the best ways to learn to tattoo at home seems to be first learn about the equipment and how it works and have the ability to put the machine together itself. This learning/assembling stage probably took five or six months as I am a slow learner.STEP TWO: PRACTICEYou can purchase practise tattoo “skins” on eBay quite cheaply and they are essential in building confidence. They also feel like android skin which is super rad and If it is a hot day put it on your face and it is cooling. Practice on these as much as you can. The biggest tip I can give you is to breathe out as you do a line (the opposite of drugs). I would start with doing small symbols and shapes and working your way up to letters, the straighter and cleaner you can make the lines the better the real tattoos will be. STEP THREE: CONVINCE SOMEONE TO LET YOU TATTOO THEMIt’s pretty much terrifying/impossible  to do your first tattoo on yourself so you will need to convince someone to let you put a small picture on them for the rest of their life . Remember to start small and simple. You will probably both need to be pretty drunk (but not TOO drunk). The most important thing to remember is hygiene, use rubber gloves and alcohol wipes (or paper towel with vodka?) and have lots of Bepanthen on hand for afterwards (also this makes you smell like a baby and babies are pretty cool). As you start doing it a kind of ancient “if I fuck up this person will kill me” instinct will come in to prevent you from fucking up, hopefully. Do small, slow segments of the line and keep wiping with alcohol to keep the area clear. Make sure you start from the top of the tattoo and work your way down as not to disturb the work you have done. Deep breaths! STEP FOUR: DONE!Clean the tattoo area and put some Bepanthen and cling wrap over the area to prevent initial infection. Dispose of the needle in a safe way (I use a pringles container). Now you and your pal are pretty cool! You can be like hey I did this thing to everyone and the person you did it on is now 5% tougher.

HOW TO DO HEAPS GOOD HOME TATTOOS
Some people may say home tattoos are a bad idea, but those people are just Doctors or real adults. Real tattoo parlours are pretty stressful if you want to get like “I love butts” tattooed on your own butt, as they would be like “Sure ok” and then tattoo “I love butts” on your butt in full cursive. Why not make mistakes where they belong, at home.

STEP ONE: BUY STUFF/LEARN
If you search Tattoo Machine on eBay there are plenty available, however I would be advise to avoid the “Kits” as generally the equipment is of lower quality. One of the best ways to learn to tattoo at home seems to be first learn about the equipment and how it works and have the ability to put the machine together itself. This learning/assembling stage probably took five or six months as I am a slow learner.

STEP TWO: PRACTICE
You can purchase practise tattoo “skins” on eBay quite cheaply and they are essential in building confidence. They also feel like android skin which is super rad and If it is a hot day put it on your face and it is cooling. Practice on these as much as you can. The biggest tip I can give you is to breathe out as you do a line (the opposite of drugs). I would start with doing small symbols and shapes and working your way up to letters, the straighter and cleaner you can make the lines the better the real tattoos will be.

STEP THREE: CONVINCE SOMEONE TO LET YOU TATTOO THEM
It’s pretty much terrifying/impossible  to do your first tattoo on yourself so you will need to convince someone to let you put a small picture on them for the rest of their life . Remember to start small and simple. You will probably both need to be pretty drunk (but not TOO drunk). The most important thing to remember is hygiene, use rubber gloves and alcohol wipes (or paper towel with vodka?) and have lots of Bepanthen on hand for afterwards (also this makes you smell like a baby and babies are pretty cool). As you start doing it a kind of ancient “if I fuck up this person will kill me” instinct will come in to prevent you from fucking up, hopefully. Do small, slow segments of the line and keep wiping with alcohol to keep the area clear. Make sure you start from the top of the tattoo and work your way down as not to disturb the work you have done. Deep breaths!

STEP FOUR: DONE!
Clean the tattoo area and put some Bepanthen and cling wrap over the area to prevent initial infection. Dispose of the needle in a safe way (I use a pringles container). Now you and your pal are pretty cool! You can be like hey I did this thing to everyone and the person you did it on is now 5% tougher.

Cultural Appropriation

jshdivision:

STOP BINDI IRWIN NOW

Good emails from my good boyfriend.

Good emails from my good boyfriend.

HOW TO STOP BEING A HOARDER 
Josh: As someone who has moved (sometimes interstate) at least ten times in the last five years and does not have a place to store things I have been forced to “travel light” and not keep things like 5th birthday cards and high school textbooks. Obviously this is both a positive and a negative, moving house is fairly quick but I lack nice things to look at and remember. Also I am pretty lazy and forgetful . However Julia has been amassing seemingly every note handed to her in class throughout her entire education and cards dating back to her conception (not at all an exaggeration) in her father’s spare room. With her father moving overseas and us moving to a one bedroom apartment action had to be taken. Julia: Woops? Is there something wrong with me? Am I the only person who values greeting cards anymore? What are all you “light travellers” going to do when you forget who gave you Christmas cards in 2009? Who did you sit next to in further mathematics in 2007? Don’t know? I DO! Because I kept all of my high school planners. I don’t know how to convey how neurotic my hoarding is - I have a collection of matchbooks from pretty much every restaurant/hotel/bar I have been to anywhere in the world. I have cards that people I don’t even know wrote to congratulate my parents on having a baby. Alas, I am moving on up and moving on out, it’s time to break free and throw all this useless shit away. I literally had 3 gigantic boxes of paperwork, cards, notes that people wrote me in high school, clippings of wrapping paper I liked etc. With the help of Joshua “ruthless” Oxlee I managed to turn this into a couple of manilla folders worth of genuinely important paperwork that real grown ups need and a small pile of other shit I couldn’t bare to part with. HERE IS HOW: 1. Start by creating different piles, or if you have a LOT of stuff, boxes. One pile should be for things you really need to keep such as tax information or birth certificates because one time I tried to get a new copy of my birth certificate and it turns out you need a birth certificate to get one. Another pile should for things you really want to keep such as mix cds and drawings of butts. The other is a bin pile. 2. After you have sorted everything into piles set the important stuff aside in a nice file or something (this isn’t a blog about productivity so if you stuff your documents in a garbage bag and tape it to the wall we don’t care). 3. Then go through the other keep pile again and make sure you really want to keep that drawing of a butt you did when you were 10 and if you don’t then just put in the trash pile. (It is okay to keep some butt drawings or cool drawings of penises with walking canes that your straight edge friend drew you in international studies class)4. Think about what you would like to do with your display pile i.e are you gonna stick all the stuff on the wall or put in a draw and then do that thing you just thought of. 5. It’s pretty handy to have someone who can nod or shake their heads at the things you are looking through like you are in a montage. (Play some good montage music like Earth Wind & Fire maybe). I feel that doing this whole thing alone would be pretty harrowing and end up like that scene in A Beautiful Mind where Russell Crowe is in like a shed and the walls are covered in bits of paper he kept because they made a mathematical pattern that movie was pretty sad.  6. If you are going through piles of photos, notes and junk with someone else, turn it into a fake episode of “This is Your Life”. It makes you feel very special and important and somehow that makes it easier to throw unnecessary stuff away. (I’d say it might be because if you are a weirdo hoarder like me you probably felt like a wallflower and need to remind yourself that people acknowledged your existence ~COOL FEELINGS~)7. For things like clothes the whole “Have I used this in the past 18 months” trick works pretty well and also you get to try the clothes on and be like HAHA I WAS A DORK. Don’t underestimate what clothing people will buy on Ebay but also don’t underestimate how HARD it is to go to the post office and post things that you sell on Ebay.Wow now you have less stuff and just had your time in the spotlight as your de-hoarding buddy just saw cool pictures of you as a teenage rebel! Go for a run or something because now you are so much lighter!

HOW TO STOP BEING A HOARDER


Josh: As someone who has moved (sometimes interstate) at least ten times in the last five years and does not have a place to store things I have been forced to “travel light” and not keep things like 5th birthday cards and high school textbooks. Obviously this is both a positive and a negative, moving house is fairly quick but I lack nice things to look at and remember. Also I am pretty lazy and forgetful . However Julia has been amassing seemingly every note handed to her in class throughout her entire education and cards dating back to her conception (not at all an exaggeration) in her father’s spare room. With her father moving overseas and us moving to a one bedroom apartment action had to be taken.

Julia: Woops? Is there something wrong with me? Am I the only person who values greeting cards anymore? What are all you “light travellers” going to do when you forget who gave you Christmas cards in 2009? Who did you sit next to in further mathematics in 2007? Don’t know? I DO! Because I kept all of my high school planners. I don’t know how to convey how neurotic my hoarding is - I have a collection of matchbooks from pretty much every restaurant/hotel/bar I have been to anywhere in the world. I have cards that people I don’t even know wrote to congratulate my parents on having a baby. Alas, I am moving on up and moving on out, it’s time to break free and throw all this useless shit away. I literally had 3 gigantic boxes of paperwork, cards, notes that people wrote me in high school, clippings of wrapping paper I liked etc. With the help of Joshua “ruthless” Oxlee I managed to turn this into a couple of manilla folders worth of genuinely important paperwork that real grown ups need and a small pile of other shit I couldn’t bare to part with. HERE IS HOW:

 
1. Start by creating different piles, or if you have a LOT of stuff, boxes. One pile should be for things you really need to keep such as tax information or birth certificates because one time I tried to get a new copy of my birth certificate and it turns out you need a birth certificate to get one. Another pile should for things you really want to keep such as mix cds and drawings of butts. The other is a bin pile.

2. After you have sorted everything into piles set the important stuff aside in a nice file or something (this isn’t a blog about productivity so if you stuff your documents in a garbage bag and tape it to the wall we don’t care).

3. Then go through the other keep pile again and make sure you really want to keep that drawing of a butt you did when you were 10 and if you don’t then just put in the trash pile. (It is okay to keep some butt drawings or cool drawings of penises with walking canes that your straight edge friend drew you in international studies class)

4. Think about what you would like to do with your display pile i.e are you gonna stick all the stuff on the wall or put in a draw and then do that thing you just thought of.

5. It’s pretty handy to have someone who can nod or shake their heads at the things you are looking through like you are in a montage. (Play some good montage music like Earth Wind & Fire maybe). I feel that doing this whole thing alone would be pretty harrowing and end up like that scene in A Beautiful Mind where Russell Crowe is in like a shed and the walls are covered in bits of paper he kept because they made a mathematical pattern that movie was pretty sad.  

6. If you are going through piles of photos, notes and junk with someone else, turn it into a fake episode of “This is Your Life”. It makes you feel very special and important and somehow that makes it easier to throw unnecessary stuff away. (I’d say it might be because if you are a weirdo hoarder like me you probably felt like a wallflower and need to remind yourself that people acknowledged your existence ~COOL FEELINGS~)

7. For things like clothes the whole “Have I used this in the past 18 months” trick works pretty well and also you get to try the clothes on and be like HAHA I WAS A DORK. Don’t underestimate what clothing people will buy on Ebay but also don’t underestimate how HARD it is to go to the post office and post things that you sell on Ebay.

Wow now you have less stuff and just had your time in the spotlight as your de-hoarding buddy just saw cool pictures of you as a teenage rebel! Go for a run or something because now you are so much lighter!

How to become very powerful and psychic

Nowadays we are quite psychic and cosmically powerful people, but it hasn’t always been this way. As we walk past flowers they turn to face us,hoping to bask in our glowing wisdom, if only for a passing moment.The economy no longer has any control over our lives and once Rupert Murdoch caught sight of Julia and instantly aged three years.. To become one with both  nature and the universe as a whole you must first believe in your own “power”. Here is a simple exercise: draw a picture of a tree, next to this tree draw yourself hovering 1-2 meters from the ground. Place this image in a tea pot and throw this teapot at a wall. Stomp on the broken china whilst listening to “Like a Virgin” by “Madonna”, snort the remains.

A second simple exercise: see how far you can insert your finger into your navel, eventually you will start to feel your own beginning, and perhaps, your own end. Tasting the dust built up here is not discouraged, but nor is it encouraged. A simple way to build up your psychic penetration techniques is to stare into the eyes of strangers on public transport, this will make them feel at peace as well.

Talk to all animals as if they are people, also try and dress animals as people whenever possible, animals are generally quite embarrassed that they are naked. The respect you gain from animals will increase your ability to see inside the minds and souls of humans. This inner power is what allows birds to fly and cats to vomit in such a weird way. 

Construct a giant pyramid out of your neighbours rubbish and sleep under it in your backyard, the power of pyramids combined with the memories contained in this trash will infuse you with more psychic energy than five years of meditation. 

Fun things to look for once you can see within the minds of others: favourite ice cream flavours, least favourite type of hat, hand size preference, do they think there should be less cupcake stores around and knowledge of bird anatomy.

How to become very powerful and psychic

Nowadays we are quite psychic and cosmically powerful people, but it hasn’t always been this way. As we walk past flowers they turn to face us,hoping to bask in our glowing wisdom, if only for a passing moment.The economy no longer has any control over our lives and once Rupert Murdoch caught sight of Julia and instantly aged three years.. To become one with both nature and the universe as a whole you must first believe in your own “power”. Here is a simple exercise: draw a picture of a tree, next to this tree draw yourself hovering 1-2 meters from the ground. Place this image in a tea pot and throw this teapot at a wall. Stomp on the broken china whilst listening to “Like a Virgin” by “Madonna”, snort the remains.

A second simple exercise: see how far you can insert your finger into your navel, eventually you will start to feel your own beginning, and perhaps, your own end. Tasting the dust built up here is not discouraged, but nor is it encouraged. A simple way to build up your psychic penetration techniques is to stare into the eyes of strangers on public transport, this will make them feel at peace as well.

Talk to all animals as if they are people, also try and dress animals as people whenever possible, animals are generally quite embarrassed that they are naked. The respect you gain from animals will increase your ability to see inside the minds and souls of humans. This inner power is what allows birds to fly and cats to vomit in such a weird way.

Construct a giant pyramid out of your neighbours rubbish and sleep under it in your backyard, the power of pyramids combined with the memories contained in this trash will infuse you with more psychic energy than five years of meditation.

Fun things to look for once you can see within the minds of others: favourite ice cream flavours, least favourite type of hat, hand size preference, do they think there should be less cupcake stores around and knowledge of bird anatomy.

imgur / Pkoxd / jpg
Anonymous

We sent this to our IT department who decoded your message. We would like to include the following message: Yes. For the Layman it is this

HOW TO GO TO IKEA AND NOT HAVE A MASSIVE FIGHT AND MURDER PEOPLEIkea is a wonderland of cheaply made furniture and hate. Ikea hates you and wants you and anything you love to fail. Ikea is hanging around the alley behind the back of your house just waiting for you to walk by so it can beat you up with a metal pipe made of frustration and and tiny allen keys. With a few simple tricks you can take what can be an ordeal and turn it into a fun experience or even just less of an ordeal. - The first mistake people make is thinking it’s possible to do a “quick trip” to Ikea. Wrong! Not possible. You need to set aside at least two and half hours to get in and out. There is always some macho jerk with his partner who is like “OK WE’RE JUST GOING IN FOR THIS ONE THING” and you can tell they are going to have a massive fight before they even get to the meatballs. - Try and count the amount of people sleeping throughout the showroom. If you find more than five reward yourself with an item from the children’s section. - Make a list of what you want but also don’t be a list dickhead and not buy something just because it’s not on the list, you really need to be FLEXIBLE but FOCUSED.-Every time you pick up an item that is not on your essentials list, ask yourself: “What am I going to use this for?” If you can’t think of an answer don’t buy the item- If people stop right in the middle of the walkway in a group and you want to punch them in the head don’t punch them in the head because then you would have to go to JAIL. - Know the line between cheap and awful. For example there is a set of cutlery that looks like it is sold to prisons and for like $2 more there is a fairly decent set. - You can ride the trolleys you put the boxes on and it’s pretty fun and old ladies give you dirty looks so you totally feel like Dennis The Menace - If you have ever gotten really drunk and gone to Ikea please let us know what it is like because it seems like it would be a bad idea and you would end up sleeping on one of the beds but who knows??- After you have checked out and are in the car loading area notice that they play really good disco music so you can dance and climb on top of boxes like they are a podium to release stress.

HOW TO GO TO IKEA AND NOT HAVE A MASSIVE FIGHT AND MURDER PEOPLE
Ikea is a wonderland of cheaply made furniture and hate. Ikea hates you and wants you and anything you love to fail. Ikea is hanging around the alley behind the back of your house just waiting for you to walk by so it can beat you up with a metal pipe made of frustration and and tiny allen keys. With a few simple tricks you can take what can be an ordeal and turn it into a fun experience or even just less of an ordeal.

- The first mistake people make is thinking it’s possible to do a “quick trip” to Ikea. Wrong! Not possible. You need to set aside at least two and half hours to get in and out. There is always some macho jerk with his partner who is like “OK WE’RE JUST GOING IN FOR THIS ONE THING” and you can tell they are going to have a massive fight before they even get to the meatballs.

- Try and count the amount of people sleeping throughout the showroom. If you find more than five reward yourself with an item from the children’s section.
- Make a list of what you want but also don’t be a list dickhead and not buy something just because it’s not on the list, you really need to be FLEXIBLE but FOCUSED.
-Every time you pick up an item that is not on your essentials list, ask yourself: “What am I going to use this for?” If you can’t think of an answer don’t buy the item
- If people stop right in the middle of the walkway in a group and you want to punch them in the head don’t punch them in the head because then you would have to go to JAIL.
- Know the line between cheap and awful. For example there is a set of cutlery that looks like it is sold to prisons and for like $2 more there is a fairly decent set.
- You can ride the trolleys you put the boxes on and it’s pretty fun and old ladies give you dirty looks so you totally feel like Dennis The Menace
- If you have ever gotten really drunk and gone to Ikea please let us know what it is like because it seems like it would be a bad idea and you would end up sleeping on one of the beds but who knows??
- After you have checked out and are in the car loading area notice that they play really good disco music so you can dance and climb on top of boxes like they are a podium to release stress.

what kind of garden says "i am not old" and "has other hobbies" but still looks technically impressive
Anonymous

The vegetable kind! You can never really accuse someone of being obsessive over their garden in a negative way if it produces something they can eat. That is my theory. Plus any garden that yields fruit, herbs, vegetables etc. is technically impressive in its own right. If you want to get really fancy you can try things like companion planting to improve the longevity of plants and as a natural form of pest control. Probably don’t buy things like “bulbs” and steer clear of petunias.

I feel that perhaps I expect too much of girls and project my own flaws onto them whilst slowly grinding them down until they can no longer stand me being around. Halp me
notsolucky

This sounds like a problem that is going to require some conscious effort. Clearly you’ve got some level of awareness of what’s going on, which is GREAT, it means you’ve noticed this pattern and it will be much easier to try and curb the habit. It sounds like the first thing you need to do is love yourself. Physically. Metaphysically. Emotionally. Secondly you need to realise that everyone you meet will have flaws and part of caring about someone is accepting this. These are quite difficult things to do and will not happen overnight. (except Julia, she has no flaws. She is perfect and beautiful like an angel.) [Yep, relationships between two perfect people are pretty easy]

HOME ON A SATURDAY NIGHT? ADVICE LINE NOW OPEN.

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